No going back

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien

I feel broken. I am broken. I guess in a way we all are. When I was nineteen I married a man who later beat me. A year later I left him and even though that was almost fifteen years ago I still remember every detail of every minute of that night like no other I can recall. Today I spent the day sick, watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy and trying to make myself rest and get my fever to go down. It got my mind going and thinking about how when you ask anyone which character they would want to be most like, most people say Gandalf. I would be like Aragorn. Not just because he was brave, but because he got to release the souls of his army. For the last fifteen years I have felt like one of those soldiers wishing my burden could be lifted so my soul could find peace.

It’s not really that I think about it all the time, it’s that I’ve never “unlearned” that survival mentality. I can’t move past that switch that cuts on or for that matter even find the switch. I’ve tried therapy and I truly believe that therapy made it worse. I think about how human beings heal physically and how we fix something that sort of healed but isn’t repaired properly enough to not cause some sort of disability. A broken bone that didn’t fuse back together correctly would be a good example. We re-break it and let it heal again. Well I don’t know if I can take the floodgates being reopened after all this time, but I can’t live like this anymore.

I’ve spent half of my life going from from one oppressive, disabling relationship to another. It’s not on purpose- its not even sexual relationships necessarily. I got in a fight with my boss this morning (I did go to work for a couple of hours with fever- I’m one of those people) and later I was telling a friend of mine about it who told me I sounded like a battered wife. She was right. I can’t keep going in circles like this anymore I just don’t know what other people do to fix it.

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