Random Thoughts

Random thoughts from 25-35 year olds

– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That’s enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

– A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

– Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

– Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

– I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

– Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

– Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

– I get an unreasonable level satisfaction when I type a question into google and someone on Yahoo Answers has asked the exact same question.

-We have sent man to the moon yet the television still requires six fucking remotes.

-Dear Adam Sandler: You are fucking hilarious.
-Sincerely, No One.

-The 2012 Camry has 10 airbags. I want to get into a crash in one of those, see what unpopped popcorn kernels feel like.

-It’s not enough that I have to wash and dry my own clothes, but fold and put them away, too? Fuck that… Back on the floor they go.

-fuck facebook….

-Do not take with alcohol. Fuck you Tylenol PM. You’re not the boss of me.

-Why is it that I can never do anything as quickly and efficiently as when I am running out of time?

-I’ve never understood using acronyms to study. By the time you’ve memorized “Grandma Martha Likes Puppies And Drives An Orange Buick To The Market in Arkansas” and what it stands for, wouldn’t it have been easier to just actually learn the material?

-My daughter “seriously” wants to go somewhere special for the summer. She has mentioned Hawaii, Mexico, Puerto Rico or maybe even Europe. I’m thinking more along the lines of Walla Walla. Google it, it’s out there.

-I’m always amazed that men can find hidden little erogenous zones on a woman, in the dark, with a sheet over their head.. But can’t find the butter in the fridge when it’s right in front of their face.

-I just read that two Tortoises split after 115 years together. See? Even in nature there comes a point where men say “enough is enough”.

-I didn’t realize people still actually use cash to pay for gas. I guess I’ll just sit and wait patiently behind your car while you’re inside.

-How is “in my opinion” so common? Should the default assumption that you’re repeating someone else’s?

-Don’t give yourself a pedicure drunk. Just don’t.

-I’m not stupid, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

-I’m not sure if I should be thoroughly perturbed or laughing hysterically that my Georgetown roommate just asked me how to scan a mirror to make a cool reflective computer background…. uhh, community college would have been a lot cheaper.

-Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

-Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.

-The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

-I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.

-I hate when I think of something really great to say during a conversation but by the time I get a chance to speak, we’re on a different topic. Do I let it pass and keep the good thought to myself, or do I awkwardly bring up the old topic again?

-My GPS says “Estimated Arrival Time.” I see “Time to Beat.”

-I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile…and how many times.

-Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out “Mother Fucker!” at that my dad responded “Present!”… as gross as that was, i had to high five him.

-Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

-Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

-I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.

-Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there’s anything good, but nothing ever changes.

-The word OK looks like a sideways person.

-Does anyone else mutter “righty tighty and lefty loosey” when tightening or unscrewing anything?

-Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I’m convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else.

-Every phone should have the same charger.

-Everything’s funnier when you’re supposed to be quiet.

-Why do I always pack extra pairs of underwear when getting ready for a vacation? I haven’t shit my pants in years.

-My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.

-When my gums bleed at the dentist she always asks me when was the last time I flossed. I look at her puzzled. It was 6 months ago. She was there.

-I ask Google all the questions I’m too embarrassed to ask other people.

-No matter how many times I watch Titanic I’m 100% sure that if they had tried harder, Jack would’ve fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

-I don’t write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here.

-The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

-If anyone found out the one password I use for everything I’d be fucked.

-It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

-I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?”

-I don’t know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.

-I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

-Yes, Google, that’s what I meant.

-Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

-Is it just me, or are the people who claim they hate drama actually the most dramatic people I know?

-“I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow… barefoot” was good in it’s day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid’s face when you drop “When I was born there was no internet”.

-Was learning cursive really necessary?

-Screw this 1:59AM to 3AM on a Sunday thing. I think we should spring ahead some time during the work week, like go straight from 2:59PM to 4PM on a Wednesday.

-Every bar bathroom should have a cupholder

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