Don’t Order Your Karma From HSN

I’m having anxiety attacks again. I thought graduating would be this colossal weight off of my shoulders but I’m gonna have to start paying my student loans back soon. The job market here for what I’m qualified for sucks and I can’t even seem to get an interview in this city. I have a job- a good job where my boss isn’t always fond of me me but he knows that he can count on me and I’m grateful for that. It’s just that if I stop trying to find something in an industry that I want to be in- I’m a failure, but for every twenty resumes I send out that don’t illicit any interest my drive (and possibly my self esteem) seem to drop another notch. I feel like no matter how hard I push to make progress all of these major decisions in my life are being made by default. That scares the hell out of me.

All of my life I’ve believed that as long as I didn’t sleep around, steal or be hateful to people- between karma and God’s mercy I would be ok. I’m not judging what other people do, I’m trying to ensure my own survival. I’m not exceptionally smart or attractive and I’m not part of a wealthy family so as lame as it sounds good karma is all I have to fall back on. It’s like car insurance. I can’t afford to be sued or arrested if I get caught without it. Do I give a shit if my neighbor’s car insurance is through Progressive or HSN? No, because even if he hits my car I know I have full coverage. Am I gossiping with my other neighbors about a DUI he got in 1986? Please…

For some reason though, the last couple of years I seem to be getting all of this hostility from one or two people at a time who have made up their minds that I am doing something wrong and not being sufficiently punished for it. Imagine having some lunatic who keeps a mental note of how many staplers are in the building suddenly being totally fixated on every move you make and how stressful and creepy that would be. Welcome to my world. I actually worked with a guy who, when he couldn’t find a legitimate complaint to bring to our boss, would go behind me and screw up work I had done and then run and tell on “me.” I almost got fired before I could get a transfer. I’d love to keep rambling but I have to go to work….


2 thoughts on “Don’t Order Your Karma From HSN

  1. dairyairhead says:

    My roommate from school is in a similar situation. Keep looking! Most job listings aren’t posted, so see what you can get through personal connections and calling in favors to professors and other professionals.

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